The Letter
I COULDN'T QUITE absorb all the words my eyes had scanned and my lips had mouthed. The doctor had scrawled her feelings out on paper in the usual prescription paper chicken scratch doctors usually possessed. I rubbed my eyes and read the letter's introduction again: "To my love, that sunrise that greeted me every morning, I long for you in your absence. Leaving each other seems only to get harder, not easier as one would guess something so routine would become. Your lips are still on mine- I feel them lingering every morning and teasing every night before I drift to sleep." That shit was just beautiful.
I folded the paper back up and put it directly across from me on the coffee table. That letter was sickeningly romantic. Captain had the doctor sprung- but it wasn't just one sided. This letter only came as a subtle surprise. I leaned back in my seat and stared at the letter that confirmed my suspicions. I had questions but I knew I wouldn't get any answers. Not from Catherine, anyways. The letter answered questions but in a way created even more mystery.
My body was unsure of what emotion to take on. It darted somewhere between shock, anger and hurt- and even a little embarrassment. I had already known this all along. I had felt and suspected it, noticed that extra glow and excitement. It was similar to the same glow she had when we discovered what we had. That in itself was a slap in the face. The shit that we shared was no longer special- she was going through the motions with someone else.
My mind started attempting to piece things together, but the puzzle was already complete. Those days without a phone call or text or email were all days that she probably allowed all her time to be sucked up by Dr. Cupid. The doctor probably swept her off her feet with her education, doctorates, selflessness and flowery Shakespearean language.
I chuckled to myself at this, almost a disgusted scoff, and picked the letter off the table once more. My eyes fluttered to an excerpt: "Remember playing beneath the waterfalls?" That bitch. "My favorite day ever. I've never seen the children so happy- I've never seen myself so happy. Secretly clutching your waist, stealing kisses between your belly button and the top of your bikini when the children flocked and crowded around a baby turtle in awe" and then skipped over to, "This Tiki- I wonder how you are dealing with her at this time. Lying with her holding you, yet I am all you can think about-" I wanted to throw up a little at this. I didn't know what was compelling me to read this garbage. Dr. Cupid knew all about me, and I knew not one damn thing about her- except now she was fucking the woman I had held so dearly to me.
I sunk back into my seat once again. I didn't know what to do next, I just knew that despite my bullshit and stepping out and about with Miranda, I was hurt. I only got connected with Miranda with Catherine's distance, but still, I was hurt. I had been stabbed in my heart, in my gut and definitely in my back. I couldn't cry at bullshit like this. I couldn't even find the strength to hit up my best friend and tell her what I discovered. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I just knew that it was over with.
I slipped the letter back into the envelope and tucked it closed. I was attempting to stop myself from the self torture. Catherine had been fucking around with a female doctor on her trips away and then returning to us to be wined and dined and fucked.
I felt myself become sick again. Us. Us as in my father and I. I already had to deal with playing nice because of her relationship with my father, her telling me that it was me she really wanted and our relationship mattered, me dealing with the guilt of taking something that my father cared so much about and the guilt of my own selfishness, her wanting it to "remain a secret to keep the household set up and relationships stable". I had been ready to move out of the house and in with her, but I also didn't want to leave my father alone. We were strangely dependent on each other despite our lack of communication and time spent together. Catherine turned this whole situation- the deceit, backstabbing, all that- into meaningless bullshit.
I had to get the hell out of this room. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my texts, then my call log, then my contacts, but there was honestly no one I wanted to be around at the moment.
I turned on the TV and flipped for something to distract me. I finally landed on Family Guy and decided to search my stash for a fat spliff. Maybe I just needed to laugh and go to sleep.
I woke up in the same spot. I looked at my phone- Miranda, Sam, Catherine, all called. I called Miranda over and freshened up in the shower.
Walking out the bathroom, I heard the sound of the TV flipping channels and turned the corner to see Catherine on the couch, surfing.
"What's up, Tiki?" she asked, dryly.
"Um, nothing," I responded in the same tone.
"What's going on with us?" she asked, her voice revealing a sense of desperation.
"What's going on with us?" I responded nonchalantly. "I have no beef, Captain. We've both just been busy."
"I haven't been busy, Tik, I've been clawing for your attention. I have had to basically beg you to fuck me. We've spent no time together."
"You want to spend time with me?"
"Yes, Tiki, of course. Why are you acting so fucking weird? It's like I'm gone this trip and when I come back, you're on some twilight zone type shit. Fucking with little kids and not with me. ME."
Catherine's voice was climbing and getting shrill. She was saying all this shit like she cared. I wanted to present her with an Oscar and then throw it at her face.
"Fucking with little kids," I repeated slowly.
As if on cue, Miranda slowly came down the steps. She looked from me to Catherine with a confused look on her face that said "Should I leave?"
"Exactly," Catherine spat out with a snort.
"So... you answered the phone and hung up," Miranda said matter-of-factly, rolling her eyes.
"Well, as you can see, I wasn't near my phone." I tugged out the towel wrapped around me and shook my wet curls. "I'm just getting out the shower."
"Sooo...." Miranda and I both turned and looked at Catherine, whose eyes had now become glossy.
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